Fun with Answering Machines
by Cass Perenelle
Summary: [Book based] I guess this is what happens if every character in the Chronicles of Narnia has their own answering machine. XD
1. The Magician's Nephew

**Author's note**: Don't flame me. I'm just taking a break and I'm getting nuts. Darn you, tight school schedule! –dies-

And oh yes, this whole idea is not mine. The credit goes to **Super Shayde** who did this first with the Harry Potter characters (check it out, they're funny!). And some other bunch of people that I happen to not know. Two words though: Don't sue. ;P Have you no sense of humour? Bleurgh. Nah, j/k. But really.

**Summary**: I guess this is what happens if every character in the Chronicles of Narnia has their own answering machine. :D

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**The Magician's Nephew Characters' Answering Machines**

**Young Polly Plummer**

Hullo, I'm Polly Plummer. Hate to say that I'm not home so please leave your message after the beep. P.S. If you're Digory Kirke, please wash your face for goodness sake. You're smudging the phone. _Beep!_

**Young Digory Kirke**

Hello there, stranger. You have reached the answering machine of Digory Kirke. Care to leave your message after the beep. If you're Polly Plummer, please, I have washed my face, thank you. –glares- You don't have to call just to remind me. And yes, do _you_ have to touch one of the rings? Honestly! _Beep!_

**Uncle Andrew**

I'm a magician! I don't use any un-magi device – er … is this thing on? –shrieks- What is this red thing? Why can't it be yellow or green? _Beep!_

**Aunt Letty**

Hullo … do not speak to my brother Andrew. It's unnecessary. Don't speak to me either. I'm boring. _Beep!_

**Jadis**

I don't even know what I am doing here. Oh yes, if you're a dolt by the name Digory Kirke who has another dolt friend named Polly Plummer, please strike the bell. Fast. I'm waiting for you. –cackles- Ahem. _Beep!_

**Aslan**

Peace, dear ones. If you're Digory Kirke, I have only one question for you: HAVE YOU NEVER STRUCK A BELL BEFORE? HONESTLY! OF ALL BELLS! _Beep!_

**The Cabby/King Frank**

Er … I'm King Frank, the first King of Narnia (but I was a cabby! Really!). Please leave your message after the beep sound. If it's about that horrible witch, try Aslan's line. Thank you. _Beep!_

**Queen Helen**

Four words. Try my husband's line. –beyond confused- _Beep!_

**Strawberry**

I talk … I can actually talk! But I don't have any finger to push this button – oy, you! Yeah, you with the – the – whoever you are! Do you have any finger? Please push this button for me. By the way, do you have the white stuff? _Beep!_

**Talking Beasts**

-all together- Yay! Is this the first joke? –buzz sound in the background- -Jackdaw steps forward- I think this _is_ the second joke. _Beep!_

**Fledge**

-sings- Woo-hoo! I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky! What is _this_ thing anyway? Is this a karaoke machine or something? Ooh, I wonder what this button does ... _Beep!_

**Mother**

… _Beep!

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**Author's note: **You must review or I'm getting more nuts. If I've left any of the major character in the first book, please, tell me. Next: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe characters' answering machines. Ta. 


	2. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

**Author's note**: -curtsies- Thank you for the reviews. :D –hugs all of you till you black and blue all over-. ;P Can't believe my brief nuttiness disorder had actually made me do this. I usually write more serious fics, you know.

And yes, though I did mention about this fic being book based, you'll see some familiar lines and character(s) from the movie in this chapter (couldn't help it). Enjoy the outcome of my brief nuttiness disorder while it lasts. XD

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**The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe Characters' Answering Machines**

**Old Professor Digory Kirke**

Hullo, this is Professor Kirke. You know what to do next. For the love of God, Polly, I'm saying this right and now. I did wash my face. Humph. Do you know that you're the reason why I never got married? Nag, nag, nag … er, I beg your pardon, caller … -woman's muffled laughter in the background- Honestly! _Beep!_

**Mrs Macready**

Let me try this again, professor, shall I? –clears throat- NO sliding down the banister! NO smudging the carpet! Er – is that right? Well … NO touching the historical artefacts! –shrieks- DO NOT touch the telephone, professor! How many times do I have to tell you that you must wash your face? –voice falters- Is this answering machine on? –Professor Kirke's voice came indistinctly- _Yes, it is_! _Beep!_

**Jadis**

Oh hello you nasty little lowly creatures. Time has changed and so am I. –cackles- Oh, by the way, if anyone of you knows _anything_ about the _Deeper Magic from Before the Dawn of Time_, please … share. Or I'll turn you into stone. Turkish Delight anyone? I know, boy, I know you can't resist … –cackles endlessly- _Beep!_

**Aslan**

-purrs- Peace, dear ones. If you're Edmund Pevensie, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT make Turkish Delight as your favourite. Try FISH CURRY (which is spicy and HOT), I bet Jadis doesn't have those. Good day. _Beep!_

**Peter Pevensie**

Hello. My name is Peter Pevensie and I'm from Finchley and certainly _not_ a hero. Leave your message after the beep –Music Inspired by the Chronicles of Narnia _Hero_ (the chorus part) comes in the background- STOP IT! I'm not a hero, I repeat, I'm not a hero! Don't push it! –Edmund's vague voice comes- That's Aslan, you humungous head for a brother! _CRASH._ _Beep!_

**Susan Pevensie**

Hello! I believe you have reached Miss Susan Pevensie's answering machine! You know – the logical one in the family! I have only one advice for you: Do NOT play hide-and-seek and three cheers for those who know the meaning of _gastro vascular_. Well, have a nice day. _Beep!_

**Edmund Pevensie**

_Thud! _Er … hello, this is Edmund Pevensie. If you're Aslan, _Turkish Delight is not my favourite_, honest! –Mrs Pevensie's voice comes vaguely in the background- Dear, you've left some Turkish Delights! –Edmund groans- Darn it. How to _delete_ this? SUSAN! _Beep!_

**Lucy Pevensie**

Hi there! Lucy Pevensie here! –giggles- If you're Mr Tumnus, I'm a girl, _not_ a beardless dwarf and I'm certainly the tallest girl in my class! –Susan's voice comes- Peter, she's raving again about this Tumnus bloke! _CRASH. _I'm NOT raving! I've met a real faun! I've been there – Su? Susan, honestly, where are YOU GOING? _Beep!_

**Mr Tumnus**

Hello there, Mr Tumnus the Faun here. Humans, go away. You only cause me despair! Please, do you think it was easy being a statue made of stone? I would like to see you try it! And don't even think about receiving an invitation to have tea at my place! Don't even think about flashing those comely little doe eyes at me! They are NOT cute … well, maybe a little but NO! –growls- _Beep!_

**Mr Beaver**

Shush. If you want to _talk_, we shall have _it_ at my place. Not _here_. _Beep!_

**Mrs Beaver**

Oh hullo you dear comely creature, Mrs Beaver here! Do you sell portable sewing machine, by any chance? If you do, leave your name and number! _Beep!_

**Badger**

If you're calling, that's only mean one thing. You want to play cards. Jolly good. Tell me your name and address and I'll be there a.s.a.p. _Beep!_

**Father Christmas**

Ho ho ho! A special note to the Pevensies: Don't run the next time you see a sleigh. You're tiring my reindeers to the extreme. I must say … trying to break the "barrier" into Narnia for a hundred years is not easy so spare us –pats his reindeer-. Merry Christmas! Er … sorry, wrong season. Ahem. _Beep!_

**Maugrim**

This shall be the last you hear from me – well, not unless you keep calling my line then you'll be hearing this message all over again – ahem. I'll die anyway (because the book says so!). You think you're all that but you're NOT, boy! Curse you, Sir Peter the – er … _my_ Bane! _Beep!_

**The dwarf**

You must have either lost your sanity or dialled the wrong number._ Beep!_

**Oreius**

I must say, sires, I don't deserve such flattery opportunity to own such device … -Aslan, Peter and Edmund all together- It's just an _answering machine_, get on with it! –Oreius clears his throat- Well then. Hello, allies, come this way. Traitors, back away. If you're King Edmund then it'd be another matter … not that I mean to be harsh, sire but … well … er … well, please leave your number and message after the beep. _Beep!_

**The Fox**

-clears throat- Hello there gentle ladies and men … Your Majesties, Lordship, Ladyship … relax, I'm the good guy – er, that's from the movie script. Never mind. It's Mr Fox's answering machine by the way. You know what to do next or do I have to run the manual on _how_ to leave a message after the beep? Just because I said I'm the good guy … -swears- _Beep!_

**Phillip the Talking Horse**

I might be a talking horse but an answering machine is taking things _a little bit_ too far, sire. First you called me "horsey". Now THIS? How am I supposed to answer the telephone and push any one of those blasted _tiny_ buttons with my _hoof_? –Edmund's voice comes indistinctly- Are you quite finished, Phillip? If you do, I'll do the honour to _push_ the button for you. _Beep!_

**The other lion**

Greetings! I'm the other lion! Aslan is the greatest lion ever! Yay! –cheers- And when we're together, he'd say "US LIONS"! "US LIONS"! Three cheers for Aslan! –everyone in LWW in the background- SHUT UP! _Beep!_

**The Aslan's Army**

-all together- For Narnia, for Aslan! Half of us will die anyway but it's all for Narnia! For Aslan! _Beep!_

**The White Witch's Army**

-one of the generals- If we use this answering machine, I can imagine what the first message will be. _Hello_ _losers_. I don't even want to hear it. So, yes, let's forget – I wonder why this light is on? _Beep!_

**Older Peter/High King Peter the Magnificent**

Hail, Narnians. Hail as well to the non-Narnians. I believe you have reached to the High King's line so please state your name as well as your business after the beep. If you happen to be any _one_ of my sisters' suitors, _please_, the answer is still NO, sir or I shall have my brother King Edmund to shake your big pompous head. And I MEAN it. NO FEAT! _Beep!_

**Older Susan/Queen Susan the Gentle**

-dreamy like voice- Wonderful. You have reached Queen Susan's answering machine here. If you're one of my hopeful suitors, please, try any one of my brothers' lines. They'll be more than glad to beat you – I mean, _discuss_ with you. Have a lovely day. –sighs contentedly- _Beep!_

**Older Edmund/King Edmund the Just**

I'm King Edmund the Just and always will be the Just. I'm Just enough to listen to your message if you're just Just enough to leave your message after the beep. Thank you. P.S. Do not mention the two deplorable words or you'll have to suffer the consequences. _Beep!_

**Older Lucy/Queen Lucy the Valiant**

-giggles- Oh, Queen Lucy the Valiant at your service, as always. Please state your name and business after the beep _and_ I will try to aid you in any way I can. If you're one of my royal sister's suitors, I have only three words for you, sir. JUST HANG UP. Good day. _Beep!

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**Author's note**: Next, the Horse and His Boy. And I need some help. Since it already has been a very, very long while since I last read HHB (I re-read LWW because of the movie), please be a dear by mentioning the major characters in your review(s). Thank you. Ta, you little comely brats - oh, I mean, _Your Ladyship, Lordship._ ;P _Beep!_


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